We can’t all claim to be pros when it comes to dirty talk. That said, there’s the bad and then there’s the utterly ridiculous. Almost everyone can claim to have heard or experienced some corkers when it comes to what has been said between the sheets, but when we heard these, we couldn’t help but cry with laughter!
“Don’t worry, my parents have heard me have sex loooads of times!”
“Don’t worry about the dog, he doesn’t do anything, he just likes to watch.”
“I’ve got this really sexy mix tape my ex made me…”
“I put wind-chimes on the door to let me know if my little brother tries to peak”
“Could you dress up as a Teletubby?”
“One guy asked if he could name my breasts Pinky and The Brain!”
“A one night stand of mine once shouted, “Oooh Mr. Tumble!” – I’m not sure she realised the link to the children’s show. It felt a little weird after that though as I couldn’t get his image out of my head.
“I once woke up after having had sex to find a cat nestled between us in the most awkward place possible. The guy then said, “oh look, pussy likes pussy!”.”
“One guy once presented me with a doctor’s note to say he was STD free and then asked if I could provide the same!”
“I like it when ladies are on their period, it’s like extra lube”
“Sorry about all of the fanny farts.”
“Your cock smells like bread, could you wash it?”
“One girl once said to me, your clothes smell like my Grandma whilst we were going at it.”
“I once dated someone with the surname Taylor.” We later established that it was my brother. Mood. Killer.
“You’re lucky, I recently changed my sheets. I usually keep the same ones on for the month.”
“Sorry about our neighbour, we have thin walls and he sometimes cheers me on”
“After having sex, this guy randomly passed me some panties, saying “there you go”. They weren’t mine”
“I once had this one girl who was humming the Archers theme tune from Radio 4. She was fit, so I still finished, but I left it at that.”
“One guy once mumbled, “Who let the snake out?” I thought he meant his cock, but he literally meant that his pet snake had escaped!”
